Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
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[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
How dude HOW?!
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
LOL
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
I unironically love this joke.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’