Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
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[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
“Why you watching this shit?”
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug