Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
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My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
meow
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz