Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
You Might Also Like
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
I am HOWLING at this
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.