Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
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Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Selfie
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.