6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
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*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
we’re dead?
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!