me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
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Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.