This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
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Need WebMD
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
another case of gang violins
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?