On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
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Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.