I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
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Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
his wife is probably gonna see that
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
the last thing a carrot sees
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Holy crap this is wonderful
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
If snakes were wide
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please