Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
You Might Also Like
[shakes fist at other fist]
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*