My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
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As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
me and my fake scenarios
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend