You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
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[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course