a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
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I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Meanwhile in Portland…
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.