Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
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I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious