The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
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No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink