“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
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And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Selfie
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”