I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
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You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
For the baby who has everything
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets