Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
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No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.