I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
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[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Thursday
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”