Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
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Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.