At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
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HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.