Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
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Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Not recommended for beginners.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37