When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
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My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink