I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
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Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Husband of the year 😂
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…