Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
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A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]