Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
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You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
that lip filler tho
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.