No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
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I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Does beer think about me too?
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
quarantine day 3
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?