I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
You Might Also Like
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.