5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
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Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?