[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
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Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha