You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
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Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?