If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
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I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?