Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
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Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
And then there were 4
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.