My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
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Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
#SuperBowl
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?