Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
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AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going