This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
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Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
[on my way back to the posting caves]
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
You learn something every day
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!