“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
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Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Oh the world we live in…
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.