Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
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With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
first you must answer his riddles
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
and now we wait
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.