Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
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During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
me irl
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
I am HOWLING at this
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran