My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
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Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*