we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
You Might Also Like
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Jupiter
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok