*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
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[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!