My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
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*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft