[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
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No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.