You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
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I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
the best thing i’ve ever made
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.