My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
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FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.