“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
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Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
“What movie?” 🤔
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with