ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
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Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.