Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
You Might Also Like
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Rt to bother an English speaker
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?